and so it ends

[rone]

Dear Ronny,

As a result of Adobe Systems Incorporated's acquisition of Macromedia, Inc., we regret to inform you that your employment will terminate because we simply don't have a clue as to how to integrate a company your size; therefore, we would rather move on with as few employees as possible to give each of them a vibrant new opportunity to work 70 hours a week, and thus give those of you we're laying off the chance to laugh at our ingenuousness.  I mean, ingenuity.

This is an actual quote:

There will be no bumping rights in connection with this reduction in force.

What the hell are "bumping rights"?

Comments

[doctroid.livejournal.com]

Typo, should be "bumping-off rights".

Good luck!

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Cheers!

[wisn.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on your newfound freedom. Is Adobe expected to rehire after their layoff mania, or are you more inclined to new adventures?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Adobe can choke on my fuck.

[matrushkaka.livejournal.com]

Huh? Is this an actual layoff email?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

It's actually a physical letter. The first part is an actual quote up to "employment will terminate".

[rbarclay.livejournal.com]

Forced recovery? Sucks, man.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

It seems that staying would've sucked more.

[nixzusehen.livejournal.com]

I've only seen bumping in the context of unions, but basically it allows someone with more seniority to take the job of someone of lower seniority, if the senior person's job goes away and the junior person is in an equivalent or lower position.

sorry about the job.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Yeah, someone else mentioned unions.

No worries, it's better this way.

[internebbish.livejournal.com]

I second matrushkaka's question - sort of. I assume the note isn't real but ... were you actually laid off? Please tell me no ... and mean it.

Thanks.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I have been laid off. But it's a relief, actually. I'm only marginally insulted.

[sanspoof.livejournal.com]

Eeugh, god forbid they have someone talk to you. Jeez. Well, welcome to unemployedville. Population: us.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Well, my boss's boss's boss did talk to me, and that was fine. But at no time have i spoken to someone from Adobe.

[eejitalmuppet.livejournal.com]

Ouch. How much notice did you get?

Good luck in hunting down some new prey.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

The door will slam on my butt on Friday. However, i am being generously rewarded.

[mrbalihai.livejournal.com]

I know you saw this coming, but it still sucks. I will go install the Flash blocker plugin for my browser, and deinstall all of my Adobe products now.

Fuckers.

[dwell.livejournal.com]

holy stupidheads.

bt

[arian1.livejournal.com]

So, do I activate the sleeper cell and jihad?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I think we can wait for them to collapse under their own weight. However, if they take too long, release the robotic Richard Simmons.

[mdyesowitch.livejournal.com]

The looking for a new part bites, but the rest is probably good.

[stoat.livejournal.com]

it seems like you might prefer congratulations to condolences, so time to bust out the severance and PARTY. i'll donate the keg!

coming soon: MONTHS without PANTS (ask zac about this one)

when responsibility gets the best of you and you grudgingly have to go job-hunting, i will gladly shop you around if you provide me with the documentation to do so.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Et voilà (http://ennui.org/rone/resume.html).

[dpk.livejournal.com]

Maybe bumping rights are when you get one last chance to boff the receptionist!

[arian1.livejournal.com]

Hey look! It's TV's dpk!

[erikred.livejournal.com]

I hope they gave you a kind handshake, and I encourage you to not bring firearms to the exit interview. Repeat, NOT.

That said, remember to pack your books, you know, the ones you bought yourself, *ahem* *ahem*, away along with whatever else you need when you leave.

I got a great chair (one tall enough for me) when I left Jeeves.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I would never bring firearms to an exit interview. The noise would attract attention. But nobody ever hears the sound of blades slicing...

[hwrnmnbsol.livejournal.com]

Well, crap. It sounds like you're lucky to escape, but it's still never any fun to be cut loose.

The Ron Network will find you new employment long before you actually want it.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

ATTEND ME, MY MINIONS!

[haineux.livejournal.com]

If you see an opportunity at Apple, please let me submit your resume, so that we can split whatever meager referral bonus they feel like granting us this week.

Same goes for any of you reading this. Apple sometimes has a referral bonus, but only if an employee submits your resume. Otherwise the money is converted to crack cocaine and fed to the marketing department, so please, help keep marketing off drugs and be sure to have your favorite Apple employee, or at least me, submit your resume.

[also-huey.livejournal.com]

If you want to live in DC, my company is also perpetually hiring.

[merde.livejournal.com]

oh man. i'm sorry to hear it. that seriously bites.

[catbear.livejournal.com]

Aww, what's the fun of being at a disembowelment if you can't shoot the jackals?

Happy pajamas.

[kodi]

Having been booted off more than one sinking ship in my life, I know it still sucks to get the notice. Good luck with the job search.

[dinkey04.livejournal.com]

I've got your bumping rights right here, baaaabbyyyy

[2wanda.livejournal.com]

You better behave, missy!

My condolences

[thedarkages]

Sorry to hear this. Layoffs are no fun, but at least you don't have to teach your job to your subcontinental replacement before you go, like I did.

[deirdremoon.livejournal.com]

Congratulations on NOT having to deal with the integration pains. Sorry you're temporarily jobless. I wish I could recommend you come work for us without busting a gut laughing... can't really recommend our company.

[rdiamond.livejournal.com]

Merry Fucking Christmas, eh? I'm really sorry to hear that.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

teh suck!

It ain't my town, but I'll give you a holler if I see any good SF leads. I seem to know several people at the G (http://www.google.com/) now, in case you need an introduction.