a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[glaucon.livejournal.com]

I feel ya. I got berated at work yesterday for staying a couple hours late Monday on my own (unbilled) time so that I could approve enough loans to meet an arbitrary and unrealistic quota which, if I don't meet, I also get berated about but which, in order to meet, I have to violate my own and my company's stated fair lending ethics standards.

the only thing that kept me from going completely bugfuck on the spot (and about a dozen other spots over the last couple months) was the fact that I've got a super secret (known only to me and LJ) plan to give notice in...um...17 days, and I've spent the last three months taking notes for the motherfucker of all exit interviews with HR.

*then* I'm going to be making a few calls to the fair lending practices hotline.

my recommendation is the same as everyone else's - get while the gettin's good. sometimes even flipping burgers can be a step up.