a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

I have to say I'm encouraged

[vardissakheli.livejournal.com]

by all the people saying "you don't have to take that." My Big Imployer has always been pretty insular, but whereas before 1992 it insulated us from the harshness of the outside world now it insulates us from pretty much anything good. I've been lucky/unlucky enough to be in love with my work, have reasonable bosses and until last year a dogged fighter for a team leader, and dodge all the layoffs so far. I'm terrified by the idea that in the next year or so I'll need to start looking for a job for the first time in my life (and develop some saleable skills before doing it).

Re: I have to say I'm encouraged

[twillis.livejournal.com]

I've been laid off three times, and each time I wound up better off.