a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[twillis.livejournal.com]

Well, crap. I must say I don't like the idea of your boss abusing you like that. That's our job, dammit!

That's really ridiculous, on so many levels. You're allowed to have a private live. Your boss has no business making insults like that; he's supposed to act like an adult speaking to another adult. He sounds like a bit of a bully.

I notice our job board does have some computery-like openings in California. Not sure if they'd be your thing, or if they're even local to you, but let me know if you want me to submit an "eReferral" for you. This company is not perfect, but it does respect the fact that one has a private life (and regards it as something important for being an effective employee).

Grrrrrrrrrrr.