a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[catbear.livejournal.com]

Lots of support here. We've all dealt with jackass bosses who treat people like machines and whack them with hammers to fix.

Sanest responses are to 1) start looking and take the next job that is a good fit, and 2) while you are looking, re-read your employment contract and job duties and make sure you fulfill them to the letter, but no more unless duly compensated. If your boss gives you crap in the meantime about things that aren't spelled out precisely, make him specify them so you know exactly what's expected. Even "professional behaviour" needs to be defined in terms of duties, accessibility and response time.

Starting a journal of communication with your boss is a good idea -- it won't save /your/ job, but when you leave provide it to HR and maybe the next guy that comes along will have an easier time of it.

If it's a small company and everyone in power are buddies and the HR hat is worn by someone just to satisfy state requirements, you're basically fucked. I've worked for places like that, too. Cover your ass, and get out while you're still sane.

[2wanda.livejournal.com]

Amen!