a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[pvaneynd]

You remind me soo much of zoutke the last few months at her old job it is not funny. I told her to get out, any job that degrades you to that degree is not worth it. Her boss thought that talking like that would 'motivate' and 'encourage' her. As far as I can see she is now a lot happier without a job :-S.

Anyway, I'm only unofficially 'on-call' because if they would put it in writing I would make a lot more. So they call on the 'professional attitude' that is in the contract. As a "professional" I think that his requirement can only be met with having a GRPS/laptop combo or you getting payed 100% for the time oncall (as far as I understand this actually is the law over here).

Call his bluff, at least here IT is picking up again, let him replace you with another warm body and see how easy it is (hint: not). Go back as a contractor for N times the pay as a final insult.