a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[ltempt.livejournal.com]

Utter bullshit from your employer. I'm on call most of the time; I have a 30 minute respond / 60 minute onsite agreement. That's fine; I can deal with that. I've also always got a secondary on call in case I can't respond to the call.

There are people in our organisation who are / have been on a higher level of call, where you are expected to stay with your computer at all times and travel with a laptop and GSM card for data connection. They get paid almost double for this inconvenience.

I'd say ... screw it. Look for a new job, get a new job and enjoy the cheery sense of role reversal when you resign. If your management thinks they can replace you instantly, let me try it when you find something else.

Any job that elicits feelings like "some primal part of me wants to cry" isn't worthing sticking around at. I find it bad enough that my job makes me want to hurt/kill/maim people on a daily basis.