a failure of sorts

[rone]

I almost got fired today.  I begged for my job back and i got it.  Now i'm on double-secret probation.  I don't know if i want to stay here anyway, because my boss is a cranky old fuck who denigrated my work.  My co-sysadmin has my back and i greatly appreciate it.

I feel humiliated because i begged for my job, because i felt i had to beg for it.  I busted my ass today working like i haven't in years.  My boss thinks "being on call" means "being no farther than five minutes from a computer".  He found my playing soccer and seeing friends for brunch in SF somehow indulgent and irresponsible.

I've had bouts all day where i suddenly scrunch up my face and rub my brow and eyes, like some primal part of me wants to cry but isn't connecting to all the necessary parts.  Until recently, my head was filled with garbage impulses about what to do next.  Right now, i'm only thinking about it so i can write this down.

My boss said that he thought my effort so far was negligible and that his workload wouldn't change if he fired me and replaced me with someone off the street.  I think i earned some of this with a less than assertive work ethic, but he better think again if he thinks i'm going to let him do that to me again.

Comments

[lusercop.livejournal.com]

what's defined and expected will often differ, because 95% of the time, it's a better response than that, and people then get irritated (even if you're within the terms of your contract) for the 5% where the response is not as good.

The over 30 minutes thing is all very well, but I hope that the compensation was worth it. (There are lots of things that I can see that stopping me doing)

[rbarclay.livejournal.com]

The compensation sucked, of course, employers being what they are it was the legally required minimum (something like $2/h pre-tax IIRC). And yes, it stopped me doing lots of things. Still, the 30 minutes were defined and not once did someone complain about me stretching it to the limits.