this only scratches the surface of my contempt for "superman"

[rone]

<arian1> "Grant Morrison is among the writers who.ve pitched to Warner Brothers for a Superman movie. His is an approach that pretends Superman Returns never happened. Which probably works just fine, truth be told. Apparently Geoff Johns has also submitted a pitch. It is nice that Warner Brothers is actually /talking/ to the people who write comics."
<ronebofh> arian: grant morrison is a choad.
<palecur> Grant Morrison Superman?
<palecur> "My pitch is this: 'Superman' is not actually an alien but a 3-dimensional cross-section of the Kryptonian oversoul, a hyperconsciousness that exists transcending time and our 'normal' universe. Also everyone takes a lot of drugs and fucks a lot, all the time."
<palecur> There, give me lots of money.
<rone> palecur: not Morrisonian enough
<Arian> but that was a good try
<palecur> I think I got all the major tropes.
<Arian> I'm holding out for Garth Ennis' Superman
<rone> palecur: you hsould've thrown in 'hermaphrodite' in there
<palecur> damn, you're right. And not nearly enough chaos magick references
<palecur> Garth Ennis Superman: "Superman totally pokes a 'ole in this bloke's bonce, see, wif 'is finger, roight, then 'e pulls down 'is, loike, super trousers and gives the poor bastard a right proper skullfucking, see?" [Drains pint glass, throws up on script, passes out]
<rone> "Because Superman is a wee bollix."
<palecur> Warren Ellis Superman: "Superman and Lex Luthor are in it together, generating fear and hate. Hate and fear. It makes the population easier to control, and mold, and guide in a direction more to their liking. Global warming? Luthor's using Kryptonian technology to accelerate climate change, making a hot, swampy Earth that's more hospitable for his reptoid masters. Superman is just a force-grown biological abomination made of combined reptoid and human DNA -- the reason his skin is so tough is because there's scales underneath it. Why do you think he's 'solar powered'? His reptoid heritage makes him crave the sun." [searches venue for hidden recording devices]
<palecur> "Also, Lois Lane injects saline solution into her labia in a prolonged scene that has nothing to do with the plot."
<Arian> hahaha
<Arian> Ok sooo...Superman by Joss Whedon
<Arian> Go
<palecur> "Superman fights a skinny barefoot chick, played by Summer Glau. She throws him against a building and debris falls off, impaling Jimmy Olsen."
<palecur> next
<Arian> hahahaha
<Arian> Superman, by Alan Moore
<palecur> i think for Alan Moore a mathematical interpolation of Warren Ellis and Grant Morrison will suffice
<Arian> Superman by Todd McFarlane
<palecur> eugh
<Arian> hahah
<rone> Todd McFarlane's Spawnerman.

Comments

[arian1.livejournal.com]

I'm telling you, we could get funding for it!

[ewx.livejournal.com]

Brian Azzarello: Clark Kent goes on the trail of a shadowy conspiracy and is rapidly captured and surely faces death; but he discovers super-powers on hearing the word “croatoa” and instantly destroys his tormentors. He spends the rest of the film engaged in decreasingly comprehensible series of shifting alliances with the other characters, combined with occasional but massively destructive violence. The film title will be some kind of numerical pun.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Man, that bastard had better wrap it up good or i'm going to go medieval on his ass.

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

Ok, now do Uwe Boll, or don't you know enough synonyms for "suck"?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Uwe Boll's not a comic book writer.

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

Joss Whedon is? News to me.

[ptomblin-lj.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify - when I said "News to me", I meant it literally. I didn't know he was a comic book writer when I wrote the Uwe Boll comment. I wasn't somehow denying that he was.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Yeah, i got that. It wasn't where he started, but he's been writing them for a few years.

[schwa242.livejournal.com]

You can drop the words "comic book" from that sentence and it'll still be accurate.

[xlerb.livejournal.com]

You missed one. (http://twitter.com/warrenellis/statuses/793902804)

[eejitalmuppet.livejournal.com]

How about Superman by Neil Gaiman?

I find myself reminded of the short story Übermensch! by Kim Newman, although it was a lot more enjoyable (in a nasty way) than anything I've seen about the "conventional" Superman...

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Simpsons did it! (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Lantern/Superman:_Legend_of_the_Green_Flame)

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

The Newman story was also preceded by an old Saturday Night Live sketch with the same premise, apparently written by Al Franken ("What If: Uberman").

[schwa242.livejournal.com]

McFarlane's Superman would have a 500 foot cape with sharp corners that someone could cut themselves on. Lex Luthor would be drawn exactly like Donald Trump, who would then sue McFarlane. Lois Lane would be killed and living in Hell, constantly trying to either contact or kill Superman, also while wearing some sort of midriff and upper thigh revealing costume with plenty of sharp metal corners. Clark Kent would join a minor league baseball team composed of McFarlane's out-of-work friends.

Screw it... now I want to see Dave Sim's Superman. He could save the world if only Lois didn't bring him down.

[reddragdiva]

You realise of course Alan Moore has written quite a few Superman stories, and kept quite well to canon for the most part ...

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Well, la dee freakin' dah, Mr. Smarty Pants.

[syringavulgaris.livejournal.com]

Our Internet Jesus has also dipped his pen in that direction (http://www.amazon.com/JLA-Classified-Justice-League-America/dp/1401209440). He does a really good Clark & Lois interaction, at that.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I have that arc. The Clark-Lois interaction is about all it has going for it, unfortunately.

[sanspoof.livejournal.com]

I think the world needs a Bill Griffith Superman. He can wander around and bump into things and visit hilarious americana landmarks and wear cateye glasses.

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately he'd only appear for a little while, then the Bill Griffith character would stroll into the frame and the rest of it would just be him chiding us all for reading it.

[epileptikitty.livejournal.com]

Deepak Chopra (http://www.amazon.com/s/qid=1218600967/ref=sr_pg_2?ie=UTF8&rs=1000&keywords=chopra&rh=i%3Astripbooks%2Ck%3Achopra&page=2): Mr. Mzthzklxyzzy acquires quantum consciousness and presents Superman with quantum healing herbs. These are laced with spiritual kryptonite (LSD) and Superman discovers the hidden secret dimensions of his outer-underwear. Jimmy Olson learns the secrets of healthy quantum sleep and Lois Lane participates in breakthrough experiments in life after quantum death.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Not a comic book writer, but i hereby give you a dispensation for good behavior.

Oops, forgot the links

[epileptikitty.livejournal.com]

Is to! Nyah! (http://www.amazon.com/Deepak-Chopra-Shekhar-Kapurs-Ramayan/dp/1934413046/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1218655045&sr=1-4)

All of the reviews mention the other guy, so I don't know how much spiritual quantum deep hurting DP actually contributes.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I, uh, sit corrected.