syncope for the devil

[rone]

I got a call early this morning for a job opportunity.  They wanted to interview me today.  I almost said, "Wow, on a Sunday?" but remembered that i was trying to sound like less of an idiot with prospective employers, so i simply agreed to meet.

They seemed satisfied with my technical skills, and i seemed to be a good match for the team personality-wise, too.  But then they asked me how my dueling skills were.  I was really surprised, and somewhat offended; yes, dueling is a good way to settle intracorporate politics, but you don't ask a candidate how good his dueling skills are, any more than i would ask them how theirs are.  It's just not done.  I've seen my bosses at other companies shut down an interview when the candidate so much as even indirectly alluded to the subject.

"They're good enough for a senior sysadmin," i said, trying not to let my discomfort show in my body language.

"You don't sound too confident," the Director of Operations said.

"I'm perfectly confident," i said stiffly, my patience gone.

He got up and yelled out the door, "Hristo!  The new sysadmin says Foundry switches are superior to Cisco!"

I boggled at him.  Not two seconds after he said it, the netadmin i'd spoken to an hour ago came in, brandishing a saber.  "Say it to my face, new guy!"

I held up my hands.  "Look, this is bul— this is ridiculous.  I haven't signed a damn thing, you can't challenge me to a duel over this... this lie!"  I got up and waved at my hip.  "I didn't even bring my good sword!  This is my dress sword!  The one i wear to interviews!"

Hristo cried out, "Have at you, infidel bastard!" and charged at me.  I stumbled backwards and around the table, weaving through Aerons.  At the end of the table, i had enough space to draw.  Hristo kicked the last Aeron towards me and ran at me, swinging towards my head.  I sidestepped, dodging the chair and the sword, and hit his funny bone with the flat of my blade.  He screamed and dropped his weapon.  "Shit!  Ow!  You fucking asshole!"

"Excellent!  Name your salary," said the Director, walking towards me with a folder and a pen, "and sign these."

I cut the papers in two.  "Shove them up your ass!  How dare you abuse the dueling code during an interview?"

The VP of Engineering put up a hand.  "Look, son, we don't like it any more than you do, but the VCs are—"

"VC my ass!"  I paused for a half-second and i said, "Wait, wait, don't tell me.  You're a goddamn Kleiner company, aren't you?"  The embarrassed flush across their faces said it all.  I sheathed my sword, picked up my jacket, and stomped out.  Tomorrow, i'm going to meet my recruiter, the one i told very clearly, "NO KLEINER COMPANIES — EVER!" over lunch, and i'm going to run him through with my rapier.

Comments

BUT!

[zeigen.livejournal.com]

There's one thing they didn't know: You are not left-handed.

[qwrrty.livejournal.com]

"I didn't even bring my good sword! This is my dress sword! The one i wear to interviews!"

Fookin' awesome.

[benchilada.livejournal.com]

Seconded. That killed me.

[arian1.livejournal.com]

You're beginning to snap...aren't you.

[pennyhill.livejournal.com]

Very nice - and funny!
The lead-in/set-up: great restraint.
Kudos.

[theweaselking.livejournal.com]

So, is there something I should know about Kleiner to make that last bit funnier? Or are they just a VC bunch you picked because they're a VC bunch?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

They're the premier VC for tech companies in the Valley. They are aggressive, stubborn, demanding, and have high expectations throughout every part of the funding process. This has the effect of causing Kleiner-funded companies to give up power early and give into demands later, causing things to be rushed and thereby spreading malaise. Pretty much all of the VCs on Sand Hill Road (http://ronebofh.livejournal.com/534857.html?replyto=3613257) are like that, but KPCB is the worst. Or the best, if you want to look at it from their end.

[kawgirl.livejournal.com]

I grok not.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Yesteday was Rabbit Hole Day (http://crisper.livejournal.com/26562.html). Please check out previous RHDs (http://ronebofh.livejournal.com/tag/rabbit+hole+day). Also see rabbitholeday.

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

Thank you for my daily dose of WTF.

Rabbit-Hole Day has been rather sparsely-served this year.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I ought to have issued a reminder on my journal, although i did send one to the community.

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

I'm finding Rabbit-hole stories here and there, as the day itself recedes into the distance: and every little helps (http://hairyears.livejournal.com/tag/rabbit-hole+day).

[rbradakis.livejournal.com]

That is most excellent.

[epileptikitty.livejournal.com]

Some Japanese samurai movie has a modern setting and there is such a sword-fight in a cubicle farm. All I remember is a shot of a katana going through a cubicle wall.