Apparently, God may or may not be able to make a stone so heavy even he can't lift it, but he's utterly helpless against the outrageous surplus of unbroken hymens. MEN OF EARTH: DO YOUR DUTY. MARS^H^H^H^HHEAVEN NEEDS DICK.
Inept sexual partners, you say? That's for which the beer volcano and the stripper factory are there to make up.
Also, when you get 72 virgins, do you deflower them right away, or ration them out over the course of eternity?
you didn't really want to do that whole comedy thing, you really wanted to work on Actuarial Tables of Heavenly Virgins and the Divine Depletion Allowance...
More likely, God hedges on the promise and says he'll give you 72 virgins...eventually. That way they might never meet. And the etenrity you wait will make sex with an inept virgin that much better, especially since you can't jerk it in heaven or else the rain would white and goopy.
Isn't part of the appeal of having 72 virgins to have them all there in a gaggle fawning over you? I figure you have to have 72 of them, especially if they're male, coz inept lovers means lots of premature action. I figure it'd take at least 72 male virgins to last long enough....
Maybe the clouds in heaven are made of rubber sheets so that the rain doesn't get all white and goopy. Maybe they could hire the recently-descended-to-hell to clean up the goop.
Of course I'm glad I asked. This is a nice diversion from writing silly capstone projects. (:
As I finished that post, I think I figured out where virgin births come from-- someone broke the rules in heaven.
It's actually pretty easy to picture Purgatory as a cleanup-job in an all-booth LIVEN00DGIRLZ venue, especially considering that the one time I've been to such a place, everyone around me seemed vaguely damned for some reason, not least myself. (I was only damned to have some ambitious friends, both women, who wanted to know just waht sort of thing went on in there.) (They were not amused.)
You're right about the gaggle of virgins (erm, we need a better word than gaggle--- a blush* of virgins?) fawning all at once-- in fact, the ratio alone is enough to make one consider a reasonable exercise in martyrdom. Anyway, your male virgins will have a fast-recharge to make up for their rapid discharge, where as my female virgins will basically have to be there for me, because it'll be a short while before most of them figure out how to be there for themselves (or I for them, for that matter-- I won't be selfish in heaven, I promise, oh Lord!).
* Google says: bunch, choir, bevy, chorus, convent/monastery, band, passel (plus shitload, busload, truckload, assload &c.), and, though not intended as a group-name, a "reward of virgins."
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syntheid
no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 06:23 pm (UTC)...
Smartass answer #2:
Ahh, but now he has become more powerful than we ever imagined.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 08:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 09:02 pm (UTC)Inept sexual partners, you say? That's for which the beer volcano and the stripper factory are there to make up.
Also, when you get 72 virgins, do you deflower them right away, or ration them out over the course of eternity?
you really wanted to be an accountant...
Date: 2007-05-15 11:02 pm (UTC)you didn't really want to do that whole comedy thing, you really wanted to work on Actuarial Tables of Heavenly Virgins and the Divine Depletion Allowance...
no subject
Date: 2007-05-15 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 06:56 pm (UTC)More likely, God hedges on the promise and says he'll give you 72 virgins...eventually. That way they might never meet. And the etenrity you wait will make sex with an inept virgin that much better, especially since you can't jerk it in heaven or else the rain would white and goopy.
Still glad you asked?
no subject
Date: 2007-05-16 07:35 pm (UTC)Maybe the clouds in heaven are made of rubber sheets so that the rain doesn't get all white and goopy. Maybe they could hire the recently-descended-to-hell to clean up the goop.
Of course I'm glad I asked. This is a nice diversion from writing silly capstone projects. (:
no subject
Date: 2007-05-17 03:07 am (UTC)It's actually pretty easy to picture Purgatory as a cleanup-job in an all-booth LIVEN00DGIRLZ venue, especially considering that the one time I've been to such a place, everyone around me seemed vaguely damned for some reason, not least myself. (I was only damned to have some ambitious friends, both women, who wanted to know just waht sort of thing went on in there.) (They were not amused.)
You're right about the gaggle of virgins (erm, we need a better word than gaggle--- a blush* of virgins?) fawning all at once-- in fact, the ratio alone is enough to make one consider a reasonable exercise in martyrdom. Anyway, your male virgins will have a fast-recharge to make up for their rapid discharge, where as my female virgins will basically have to be there for me, because it'll be a short while before most of them figure out how to be there for themselves (or I for them, for that matter-- I won't be selfish in heaven, I promise, oh Lord!).
* Google says: bunch, choir, bevy, chorus, convent/monastery, band, passel (plus shitload, busload, truckload, assload &c.), and, though not intended as a group-name, a "reward of virgins."
We have a theologian in our midst.
Date: 2007-05-15 11:25 pm (UTC)the image of robots assembling strip-bots on poles is dancing through my head. Bless you, sir/madam. Also, Beer Volcano is the best band name ever.
If you choose the "right away" option, God takes out an egg slicer.