on the turning away

[rone]

I had my chat with E the boss's boss yesterday, and the summary of the conversation was that 1) he didn't seem to have much faith in my ability to manage my group, 2) he compared my bid unfavorably to S the DCM manager, 3) he made a point to mention that P my boss's departure wasn't mostly the result of a personality conflict between P and H the senior director, but also because E was not satisfied with P's performance (and this after i'd said that P was my managerial role model; insert foot A in mouth B, eh?).  EDIT: he didn't actually shoot me down; officially, he's still considering the position.

After that, i talked to P and realized that 1) i really don't want to work for E, and 2) S is even unhappier about managing us than i realized.  He's also screwed; if he turns down the job, he will essentially flush his career at Macromedia down the crapper.

Based on the results of the last 36 hours, i've formulated a new plan: 1) stay the course, 2) massage S and turn him into an acceptable boss, 3) get as many certifications as i can, 4) look for a new job.  But while that sounds good and i can already feel some relief, i'm also roiling with bitterness because 1) it seems that i only decided to ask for the job while i was on an adrenalin high, 2) i'm basically quitting on a goal i set for myself, 3) the best boss i've ever had is still quitting and there's nothing i can do about it, 4) a job with which i've become comfortable through the ups and downs has since become unsustainable.

These jerkoffs are, in the words of Jesse Custer, "fucking with me and mine."  It's sensible to maintain a detached relationship with work; it really isn't feasible in my case.  I'm an emotional guy, and i build relationships that way.  Will it significantly matter to these guys (or to anyone else in IT) that they've irreparably alienated me?  My departure wouldn't be a quarter as visible as my boss's, even though we've worked almost the same amount of time at Macromedia.  I guess i'll find out just how important i am to the company when i inform them that i intend to leave.  But for that to happen, i have to prepare myself (see step 3 of my SUPAR L33T PLAN).

Comments

[kodi]

i'm basically quitting on a goal i set for myself

The goal was to improve your situation by getting the job. It sounds like you've received new information ( 2 in paragraph 1 ) from which one can reasonably conclude that getting the job would not improve your situation. There's a word for people who pursue an objective after it's been revealed that that objective doesn't actually mesh with their goals, and it's not "freakin' awesome."

The first few times I was hired for a technical job, I wasn't really sure of myself. I knew I had skills, but I didn't know if the skills would be enough to enable me to be successful. I made a deal with myself - I'd be totally forthcoming in the interview, and if I was still hired, it meant that someone besides me felt that I was prepared to do the job. Here, it sounds like you're looking at a position where "did you actually do a good job?" isn't nearly so connected with being a success as "does your boss think you did a good job?" And you've been told that the answer to that question is going to be no, right? So. It definitely sucks, but, looking at it through rone-coloured glasses at least, it sounds like you're doing the best you can.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

The goal was to improve your situation by getting the job.

Yeah, i know, but it still feels like i'm quitting.

[tyggerjai.livejournal.com]

See? If you were management material, you would understand that you're simply re-defining your criteria for success.

And you know the scary thing? I'm cynical enough that I think I mean it.

sol.
.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

What's scary is that i think you're right.