e&tg 34

[rone]

Néfilo grinned.  "I'll send yez on a task, then.  Maybe a few errands, that should make us even."  He got up and walked to a chest, unlocked it, and pulled out a buckled leather case.  "Now, do yez know where the town a Pialesto is?"  I shook my head.  He continued, "It's three days a travel on foot north-northeast, just past the Tashpari border.  I need yez t'go there.  The last messenger i sent that way got roughed up by the Mafia before he left town, and i don't need them getting into any more a my papers."  He handed me the case.  "Now, once yez get to Pialesto, there's two apothecaries in town.  Ask around and find out which one is run by a dwarf, and go t'that one.  Once yer there, ask for a red clay poultice.  He'll tell you he's out, but he'll tell you how to get to a place where someone can get you some.  Her name is Dakel Yeniri.  Give her the satchel."

I looked at the satchel, then back at him.  "That's it?"

"For now, biggun.  Might be a while before i consider yer debt discharged."

"Not exactly a debt if you haven't given me the goods, is it?  I get the feeling you're going to hold me hostage as your errand boy as long as you can dangle those doodads in front of me."

He frowned.  "I'm not about t'start arguing semantics with yez, biggun.  Yez knows what yez wants, and yez knows what i wants."

I held up my hands.  "OK, fine, you have a point.  Can you just lend `em to me for a while?  I'd like to have a conversation with Kohasadi."  Kohasadi perked up and squawked.

Néfilo sighed and shrugged.  "Ahh, i suppose."  He handed me the arches.  "I'll get back t'my work and give yez two some privacy."  He grumbled on his way out the door.

I looked at the arches; they were too small to fit around my ears, but they just might fit on the inside of my ears.  I opened the door and yelled at the druid, "Hey, you got a mirror in here?"

"There's one in the tool cabinet!" he yelled without bothering to turn around.

Comments

quick note

[palecur.livejournal.com]

"It's the border town that's closest to us." is a bit jarringly expository. Also, "...that's closest to us" is a bit stilted for Mwele's normal diction; I think he'd put it more like 'It's the closest border town,' or even 'It's the closest Tashpari town,' or whatever the proper gerund for Tashpar is. Granted, these are all unpolished first-drafts, which by the way does provide an interesting insight into the creative process, much like a visit to the sausage factory.

About the dialect: I love the slang, particularly 'biggun,' but 'yez' I find a bit distracting. Could be a personal thing; don't take it too seriously.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Yes, the 'yez' is really getting old on me, too. That'll probably be the first to go...

Could you expand on what you perceive as jarring exposition?

I will take the bit about Mwaele's stilted diction into account. And you mean gentilitious, not gerund.

[palecur.livejournal.com]

Well, it's just a bit stilted -- it serves to establish that the town is foreign and close to the border, but that's not, in my opinion, how it would come up in conversation. Imagine, for instance, a Seattle native and a recently arrived visitor discussing Vancouver. I don't think the visitor would say "Vancouver? Yes, it's in Canada, the nearest town across the border." He'd justr say "Yes, I know Vancouver," or "Yeah, the nearest Canadian city", though even that is a bit expository. My suggestion would be to have the halfing ask if he knows $TOWNNAME, over in Tashpar, and have the response be 'yeah, it's right over the border' or words to that effect.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

I hear ya. Maybe that should be part of his internal monologue.

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

How's that?

[velvet-wood.livejournal.com]

Hmm....possibly just alter a bit? Keep 'yez' for 'your' but maybe use 'ye' or 'yah' for 'you'?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

Actually, it's 'yer' for 'your/you're'. I think i already switched to 'ya' for 'you'... blurg. Stupid affectations.