hang on to my ego

[rone]

I seem to think that everyone should be more like me in many ways.  People should definitely not be like me in that i'm a master procrastinator, or that i can be quickly irritated.  But i do seem to be in love with my attitude towards the world and my fellow man, and perhaps even with my rationalization skills, which i feel are well-developed and not cheap or shoddy.

I've come a far way from the uncertainty i felt about myself at a younger age, even as i realized the burgeoning ability and potential within me.  I think that a lot of it has come as i move away from extreme opinions; as a child i was (rather inexplicably) a rabid male chauvinist, as a teenager i was very patriotic and went to college under the impression i wanted to join the Air Force ROTC, as a collegian i engaged in frothy, militant atheism.  Everything was of dire importance and urgency.

Nowadays, i pride myself on my moderation, even though 'moderation' is clearly a matter of opinion.  I like to think things through, even though i sometimes lack the time (and, sadly, occasionally the inclination) to give the matter at hand a good enough shake to satisfy my own sense of proper research.  I fake things often; as a result, i've realized that i've become a rather competent faker.  I don't do it out of malice (well, maybe a teeny tiny bit), and i don't even think it's laziness; it's a matter of priorities.  Frankly, why should i devote hours of research into a topic that isn't either a hobby or a profession?

Ahh, but how many hours of research DO i devote to topics that are germane to my hobbies or my profession?  Not enough; remember, i'm a master procrastinator.  We're back to faking; i feel like i am faking my way through my job and my favorite pasttimes.  In my userinfo's bio, i say that i have a singular devotion, and even there i feel i could do better, although i am certain that being a husband is the one aspect where i do my best job.  And i suspect that this is the case only because it comes so naturally to me, and therefore the lion's share of credit should go to Kim.

Therefore, when i think people should be more like me, i'm probably trying to fake myself out.  And i think i'm succeeding.  BOW DOWN!  OBEY ME!  That is all.

Comments

[mmcirvin.livejournal.com]

From early childhood I've been prone to worry and guilt, and it's very difficult for me to find fault with people without first examining myself to find similar faults and mentally scourging myself for them, and sometimes the anger just gets redirected entirely inward. My own reactions over the past few days are a good example: I went from railing at the government to sitting around fretting, Oh no, I'm Whitey! In a just world I'd be up against the wall, motherfucker!! Time to read a bunch of self-congratulatory writing by Scottish Marxists about how evil and stupid Americans are, so the stomachache gets really bad!

I grew up priding myself on my moderation, and now I get into paroxysms of worry that maybe moderation is a sin and I should have been some kind of revolutionary fanatic all along. I think it's the closest thing an overeducated nerd-slacker of my generation gets to a midlife crisis.

I was talking about the Impostor Complex to a friend and he said he thought it was almost universal among people in skilled professions. We all figure we're just faking it and we'll be found out at any moment.

[twillis.livejournal.com]

Then, of course, there are those of us who ARE faking it and DON'T CARE.

HAW! HAW!

See, you both should be more like ME, not rone.

[ikkyu2.livejournal.com]

I was talking about the Impostor Complex to a friend and he said he thought it was almost universal among people in skilled professions. We all figure we're just faking it and we'll be found out at any moment.

I've heard this idea many times; it gets force fed to us as medical students, that it's "normal" to feel this way.

But I've never felt this way, and in fact for the last few years I've felt fairly confident that my patients are getting a fair, or more-than-fair shake. Truly, though, I have spent all my effort in the past 10 years towards being a better doctor, for them.

But still, I don't really understand this impostor complex. Just relax and do what you know how to do and if it comes to pass that you don't know how to do what your heart tells you you ought to be doing, learn how to do it. How hard could that be?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

It could be pretty hard. It could also be that your heart doesn't know shit. Mine has certainly gone through spots in my life where it didn't know its ass from a hole in the ground.

[opadit.livejournal.com]

OMG you have grown up and discovered the happy medium!

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

im all done growing up LOL

bigote bajo tu nariz

[(Anonymous)]

sabías el oficio del bigote? Se debe a que tienes una nariz que necesita ser subrayada! ;-) Love you :-)

Faking

[thedarkages]

Isn't it possible that research into a topic not germane to existing hobbies or work might actually represent a nascent hobby? As Terence said, "I am a human being; I consider nothing human alien to me."

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

It's certainly possible. It's more likely, given my experience, that it's going to become the latest mayfly in the short attention span theater of my life.

I think it's only natural

[vardissakheli.livejournal.com]

to see people who get totally wrapped up in something you like to do part-time as creating unfair competition. It's even worse when it's something you introduced him to. We were just sitting here talking about a friend of mine whom I took with me on my second trip to Georgia, and who subsequently wound up living in Tbilisi half or more of his time, learning to speak Georgian fluently, studying with every great Georgian choirmaster alive, and recently getting an MFA in Georgian folk music. Even ignoring other complications in our relationship (his sister was my stalker, his son is named for my sister's ex-fiance), I often find it difficult to deal with his subtle suggestions that the rest of us are slackers who should just know all this stuff, not to mention just plain galling when I go out of my way to get to one of his performances and he makes various acknowledgments of people who have helped along the way but entirely neglects the one without whom he would never have gotten started.

[mezdeathhead.livejournal.com]

I think it's pretty rational for everyone to think more people should be like them. The way I see it, if you didn't think you were doing things right, you would change them. Therefore, you must be on track. Therefore, everyone else would be on the right track if they were more like you.

Not saying, however, that anyone is more right than the next guy. Except for me, of course.