e&tg 23

Nahhas shook his head and pulled out a large-bowled pipe.  "You and your godsdamned selective memory," he grumbled as he overstuffed the pipe with leaf.  He uncapped a candlestick, which burst into bright flame, and used it to light his pipe.  He capped the stick, got out of his seat, and started digging in the file cabinet behind him.  The room started to fill with vile smoke as Nahhas played the part of a hairy, two-legged bellows.

"Ha!" he suddenly exclaimed, and he produced a leather envelope with a flourish.  He slapped it on the desk and he sat down.  I kept quiet and waited for him to get to his point.  He pulled a sheaf of paper out of the envelope and said, "You'd been with me for, what, year and a half.  Solid, quiet work, chop chop here, chop chop there.  Then, three months ago, your group was sent to Mount Verhir to retrieve a meteorite from its crater.  You came back alone with a heart-sized chunk, which, i must add, was barely enough to break even.  Two months ago," he blared, forestalling my attempt to interrupt him, "your party was sent out to clear out whatever was causing severe deforestation and killing crops at Broken Arm Vale.  You come back with the head of some deranged druid and no cohorts.  This one was a plain interdiction, no economic clause in your contract, so no loss there.  But now you've returned alone again, with a huge debt."

"C'mon, Nahhas, shit happens."  I waved my arm at the window.  "So i've had a crappy run—"

"You damn right you have.  And i've had Mercs with runs like yours before, and every damn time, you know what happens?  Nobody wants to hire `em.  You're as good as cursed, kid.  Nobody'll take a chance on hiring you.  Well, unless..."  He looked questioningly at me, but with little conviction, as if he were anticipating my answer.

I shook my head.  "No way.  I am not going join those psychopath Irnuul worshippers."  You'd think that sects that venerate the god of mayhem would die out on their own after a while, and with Irnuul, history proved that to be the case; there was, however, always some idiot who managed to resurrect it again for another bloody cycle.  They paid a lot of money to whoever was stupid, evil, or crazy enough to join their pogroms.

Nahhas opened his hands and took another puff as he held his pipe in clenched teeth.  "My hands are tied, kid.  I mean, i'll try, you know i will, but i know how it's gonna be.  All i can do is not bust your chops over the money, you know?  I figure you'll pay me eventually, and for you?  No interest.  You're like the brown human son i never had."

e&tg 23

Nahhas shook his head and pulled out a large-bowled pipe.  "You and your godsdamned selective memory," he grumbled as he overstuffed the pipe with leaf.  He uncapped a candlestick, which burst into bright flame, and used it to light his pipe.  He capped the stick, got out of his seat, and started digging in the file cabinet behind him.  The room started to fill with vile smoke as Nahhas played the part of a hairy, two-legged bellows.

"Ha!" he suddenly exclaimed, and he produced a leather envelope with a flourish.  He slapped it on the desk and he sat down.  I kept quiet and waited for him to get to his point.  He pulled a sheaf of paper out of the envelope and said, "You'd been with me for, what, year and a half.  Solid, quiet work, chop chop here, chop chop there.  Then, three months ago, your group was sent to Mount Verhir to retrieve a meteorite from its crater.  You came back alone with a heart-sized chunk, which, i must add, was barely enough to break even.  Two months ago," he blared, forestalling my attempt to interrupt him, "your party was sent out to clear out whatever was causing severe deforestation and killing crops at Broken Arm Vale.  You come back with the head of some deranged druid and no cohorts.  This one was a plain interdiction, no economic clause in your contract, so no loss there.  But now you've returned alone again, with a huge debt."

"C'mon, Nahhas, shit happens."  I waved my arm at the window.  "So i've had a crappy run—"

"You damn right you have.  And i've had Mercs with runs like yours before, and every damn time, you know what happens?  Nobody wants to hire `em.  You're as good as cursed, kid.  Nobody'll take a chance on hiring you.  Well, unless..."  He looked questioningly at me, but with little conviction, as if he were anticipating my answer.

I shook my head.  "No way.  I am not going join those psychopath Irnuul worshippers."  You'd think that sects that venerate the god of mayhem would die out on their own after a while, and with Irnuul, history proved that to be the case; there was, however, always some idiot who managed to resurrect it again for another bloody cycle.  They paid a lot of money to whoever was stupid, evil, or crazy enough to join their pogroms.

Nahhas opened his hands and took another puff as he held his pipe in clenched teeth.  "My hands are tied, kid.  I mean, i'll try, you know i will, but i know how it's gonna be.  All i can do is not bust your chops over the money, you know?  I figure you'll pay me eventually, and for you?  No interest.  You're like the brown human son i never had."

where do i fit in in the spiritual scheme of things?

Instead of merely posting the results of that quiz that's making the rounds (which was 40% scientific, 40% reasoning, which classifies me as an Agnostic), i'd rather talk about about why i'm an agnostic.

I moved to agnosticism from atheism because i realized that atheism is an affirmation of the non-existence of something that i can't prove doesn't exist.  Atheism also essentially derides the faith of others (which is something it shares with most religions), and i've spent the last 10 or so years trying to be less of a jerk.

That's a lie.  I love being a jerk, and i clutch my head every day at some of the shit people will believe for the most idiotic reasons, excuses, pretenses, whatever.

No, no, see, that's completely unempathetic.  I can't put myself in the shoes of others; i can only work with my own experiences.  I shouldn't even have any contempt for the faith of others because that would make me contemptuous of my own past as a Catholic.

Wait now, i might have been a Catholic once in name, but (unless i've already rewritten my memories with my own idealized childhood) i can't recall ever truly believing in God, Jesus, etc.  Eucharist was just a wafer.  Confession never made me feel better.  Attending Mass never gave me a fuzzy warm feeling inside.  When i turned away from religion within a year of my Confirmation, i wasn't really rejecting anything i held.  I was on the field, but i never played ball.

OK, now, i was going to talk about why i'm an agnostic.  I don't think i've addressed that at all so far.  Well, maybe i won't.  Fuck it.  What do you care, anyway?  It doesn't make a difference in your life, eh?  I'm not going to tell you that the only way to be saved is to let go of your puny faith and embrace the nothingness in every moment of every day, thus hugging yourself and keeping yourself warm.

Never mind that.  I'm obsessed with the fact that religion and spirituality is a huge shadowplay.  It's inane.  God doesn't matter.  The spiritual world doesn't matter.  They're just metaphors.  As that great humanist Ren Höek once said, "THEY'RE NOT REAL, NOT FLESH AND BLOOD LIKE WEEEEEE!"  The only thing that truly matters is people, how we get along, how we move along into the future.

God matters.  The spiritual world matters.  They are woven into human nature and to dismiss them out of hand is folly.  We cannot progress as a race, we cannot ascend, without détente between religions, between believers and non-believers.

Why are we wasting time on cultivating a lasting and rewarding relationship with God while we barely understand ourselves and each other?  Wouldn't the latter be easier and more practical?  Is that precisely why it doesn't happen?  What the hell is so interesting about God, anyway?  The cosmos is interesting.  Life is interesting.  The human race isn't ready to tackle a real relationship with God, were he to exist.  Let's solve our real problems first.

Let's keep our eyes on the goal, though.

where do i fit in in the spiritual scheme of things?

Instead of merely posting the results of that quiz that's making the rounds (which was 40% scientific, 40% reasoning, which classifies me as an Agnostic), i'd rather talk about about why i'm an agnostic.

I moved to agnosticism from atheism because i realized that atheism is an affirmation of the non-existence of something that i can't prove doesn't exist.  Atheism also essentially derides the faith of others (which is something it shares with most religions), and i've spent the last 10 or so years trying to be less of a jerk.

That's a lie.  I love being a jerk, and i clutch my head every day at some of the shit people will believe for the most idiotic reasons, excuses, pretenses, whatever.

No, no, see, that's completely unempathetic.  I can't put myself in the shoes of others; i can only work with my own experiences.  I shouldn't even have any contempt for the faith of others because that would make me contemptuous of my own past as a Catholic.

Wait now, i might have been a Catholic once in name, but (unless i've already rewritten my memories with my own idealized childhood) i can't recall ever truly believing in God, Jesus, etc.  Eucharist was just a wafer.  Confession never made me feel better.  Attending Mass never gave me a fuzzy warm feeling inside.  When i turned away from religion within a year of my Confirmation, i wasn't really rejecting anything i held.  I was on the field, but i never played ball.

OK, now, i was going to talk about why i'm an agnostic.  I don't think i've addressed that at all so far.  Well, maybe i won't.  Fuck it.  What do you care, anyway?  It doesn't make a difference in your life, eh?  I'm not going to tell you that the only way to be saved is to let go of your puny faith and embrace the nothingness in every moment of every day, thus hugging yourself and keeping yourself warm.

Never mind that.  I'm obsessed with the fact that religion and spirituality is a huge shadowplay.  It's inane.  God doesn't matter.  The spiritual world doesn't matter.  They're just metaphors.  As that great humanist Ren Höek once said, "THEY'RE NOT REAL, NOT FLESH AND BLOOD LIKE WEEEEEE!"  The only thing that truly matters is people, how we get along, how we move along into the future.

God matters.  The spiritual world matters.  They are woven into human nature and to dismiss them out of hand is folly.  We cannot progress as a race, we cannot ascend, without détente between religions, between believers and non-believers.

Why are we wasting time on cultivating a lasting and rewarding relationship with God while we barely understand ourselves and each other?  Wouldn't the latter be easier and more practical?  Is that precisely why it doesn't happen?  What the hell is so interesting about God, anyway?  The cosmos is interesting.  Life is interesting.  The human race isn't ready to tackle a real relationship with God, were he to exist.  Let's solve our real problems first.

Let's keep our eyes on the goal, though.