e&tg 17

Hopsfield's office was starkly furnished with darkly stained wooden cabinets and a gigantic desk covered in ledgers, behind which he sat right now, sullenly scratching out some numbers.  His ashen complexion and dour attitude suggested some orcish blood in his ancestry, but i certainly had no interest in socializing with him to find out.  He looked up as i walked in.  "Ah, Mwaele.  Please sit down."  I sat in a well-cushioned leather chair.  "You're here, ah, earlier than i expected.  And alone.  You didn't bug out, i hope."

I put down a flare of anger.  I would be hard-pressed to take such a jest from my best friends.  "No, Mister Hopsfield.  Everyone else was killed by the primary objec—"

"Now, hold on," he interrupted.  "We need to do this by the proper procedure.  You know the drill."

"But—"  He interrupted me again by slamming open another ledger.

"Now, let's see..."  He turned some pages.  "Ah, yes."  He touched a polished stone inlaid with gold on his desk, which started glowing faintly.  "Now recording this sortie debriefing, truth detector enabled."  This was standard procedure, to make sure Mercenaries didn't try any funny business, such as pocketing treasure and not declaring it.  "Primary objective #136: Teraad Egofu.  Wizard, rated 4, fortified keep, twenty elite guards, four gryphon riders.  Contracted by, eh, you're not allowed to know that, or their reasons, et cetera, yadda yadda.  Ah, here we are, contracted operatives.  If you could please inform me of their whereabouts as i list them off: first off, Mwaele Jumuwadi, human man-at-arms, rated 3.  You're clearly here and in fair health.  Next, Ti!la, human barbarian, rated 3."

"Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard."  She went berserk and ended up getting herself surrounded by six of them.  She killed four of them before she went down.

"All right..."  Hopsfield painstakingly entered the information.  "Otto Gneisslegs, dwarf priest, rated 3."

I chuckled despite myself.  Otto hated the translation of his clan name and tried to go by Stronglegs, but had been unable to have the name officially changed.  "Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard.  Same with—"

"Ah, ah, don't rush me."  He held up a finger, which i tried not to seize and snap off.  "Nella Lindengrove, Detective of the City Constabulary Force, unrated."

Oh, yes, dear, humorless, obsessive Nella.  She wasn't a Mercenary, but she had a bone to pick with Teraad, and she jumped at the chance to come with us, however that would affect her status with the Constables.  Not that she told us much more about it.  "Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard."  In a last-ditch move, she threw her greatsword at Teraad as he taunted her.  If she'd just tried to protect herself with it, i would've been able to jump in to help her.

"Hmm, yes, i see a trend here."  He coughed and finished entering the data.  "Ssthith Copperback, reptoid sorceror, rated 4."

"Dead."  The snake kid went toe to toe with Teraad while we took care of the hired help.  What little i caught of their fight was quite a sight, but the kid was a bit too unlucky and Teraad was a bit too crafty.  "I don't know how.  Magic, i suppose."

"And last, Cossu Mirán, human thief, rated 3.  Mmm, she was quite a charming young lady, wasn't she, Mwaele?  Her l—"

"DEAD!  SHE'S DEAD!  THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!"  I realized i had my hands on the desk and was yelling at his face, which was only a few inches from mine.  I gritted my teeth and sat back down.

e&tg 17

Hopsfield's office was starkly furnished with darkly stained wooden cabinets and a gigantic desk covered in ledgers, behind which he sat right now, sullenly scratching out some numbers.  His ashen complexion and dour attitude suggested some orcish blood in his ancestry, but i certainly had no interest in socializing with him to find out.  He looked up as i walked in.  "Ah, Mwaele.  Please sit down."  I sat in a well-cushioned leather chair.  "You're here, ah, earlier than i expected.  And alone.  You didn't bug out, i hope."

I put down a flare of anger.  I would be hard-pressed to take such a jest from my best friends.  "No, Mister Hopsfield.  Everyone else was killed by the primary objec—"

"Now, hold on," he interrupted.  "We need to do this by the proper procedure.  You know the drill."

"But—"  He interrupted me again by slamming open another ledger.

"Now, let's see..."  He turned some pages.  "Ah, yes."  He touched a polished stone inlaid with gold on his desk, which started glowing faintly.  "Now recording this sortie debriefing, truth detector enabled."  This was standard procedure, to make sure Mercenaries didn't try any funny business, such as pocketing treasure and not declaring it.  "Primary objective #136: Teraad Egofu.  Wizard, rated 4, fortified keep, twenty elite guards, four gryphon riders.  Contracted by, eh, you're not allowed to know that, or their reasons, et cetera, yadda yadda.  Ah, here we are, contracted operatives.  If you could please inform me of their whereabouts as i list them off: first off, Mwaele Jumuwadi, human man-at-arms, rated 3.  You're clearly here and in fair health.  Next, Ti!la, human barbarian, rated 3."

"Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard."  She went berserk and ended up getting herself surrounded by six of them.  She killed four of them before she went down.

"All right..."  Hopsfield painstakingly entered the information.  "Otto Gneisslegs, dwarf priest, rated 3."

I chuckled despite myself.  Otto hated the translation of his clan name and tried to go by Stronglegs, but had been unable to have the name officially changed.  "Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard.  Same with—"

"Ah, ah, don't rush me."  He held up a finger, which i tried not to seize and snap off.  "Nella Lindengrove, Detective of the City Constabulary Force, unrated."

Oh, yes, dear, humorless, obsessive Nella.  She wasn't a Mercenary, but she had a bone to pick with Teraad, and she jumped at the chance to come with us, however that would affect her status with the Constables.  Not that she told us much more about it.  "Dead.  Cut down by Teraad's elite guard."  In a last-ditch move, she threw her greatsword at Teraad as he taunted her.  If she'd just tried to protect herself with it, i would've been able to jump in to help her.

"Hmm, yes, i see a trend here."  He coughed and finished entering the data.  "Ssthith Copperback, reptoid sorceror, rated 4."

"Dead."  The snake kid went toe to toe with Teraad while we took care of the hired help.  What little i caught of their fight was quite a sight, but the kid was a bit too unlucky and Teraad was a bit too crafty.  "I don't know how.  Magic, i suppose."

"And last, Cossu Mirán, human thief, rated 3.  Mmm, she was quite a charming young lady, wasn't she, Mwaele?  Her l—"

"DEAD!  SHE'S DEAD!  THEY'RE ALL FUCKING DEAD!"  I realized i had my hands on the desk and was yelling at his face, which was only a few inches from mine.  I gritted my teeth and sat back down.

via the dire warren_ellis

"Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico."

via the dire warren_ellis

"Armed dolphins, trained by the US military to shoot terrorists and pinpoint spies underwater, may be missing in the Gulf of Mexico."

e&tg 18

Hopsfield narrowed his eyes.  "Yesss.  All right.  Now, the objective.  What became of him?"

I exhaled and tried to compose myself.  "He's dead, i guess.  He collapsed his keep with some huge fiery explosion.  I barely got out."

"But you didn't actually kill him?  You didn't make a first-hand confirmation?"

I shook my head.  "I was too busy running from the expanding fireball.  I saw him engulfed in flames, but that's all."

He tsked.  "Unfortunate, very unfortunate."  He dipped his pen in his inkwell and wrote in his damnable ledger.  "Please list all recovered treasure, including all magical items, objets d'art, and any other valuables."

I plunked the jeweled goblet on his desk.  "One bejeweled goblet."  I found it in his kitchen.  For all i knew, the gems were fake, but i figured it was worth grabbing.  "That's it."

"You don't say."  He peered at me.  "You weren't able to go in later and recover more?"

"No.  The fire was still burning when i woke up the next day, and the keep was in ruins."

"Impressive..."  More paper-scratching.  "So you have nothing more that belonged to Teraad, correct?"

"Yup."

"Hmm."  He looked at the glowing stone.  "I do not believe you are being entirely honest with me."

"Huh?  Oh."  I thought again about how exactly he'd phrased the question.  "I have with me one of Teraad's gryphons.  But i didn't take him from the keep; he found me the next day and, well, it's a long story, but he's bonded to me now.  And i am bonded to him as well, i suppose."

"Well, as one of Teraad's belongings, the beast is definitely part of recovered treasure.  You have no claim to it."

"I do not claim him.  He chose to bind to me after i helped him with an injury.  And i have been charged by a master druid in the nearby forest with his care."  I crossed my arms.  "If you want to insist on taking him, you're welcome to try, but i can guarantee that he won't like it, and he'll be more trouble than he'll be worth to you.  And if you do, i'll be sure to let that master druid know what you did."

"Ah.  Hah."  He steepled his hands.  "Well."  He looked at the ledger.  "Well, you are on the hook for 3000 gold pieces' worth of treasure, or 25% of the haul, whichever is larger."  He picked up an eyeglass and examined the goblet.  "Hmmm.  This will make a dent in your obligation, but—"

"Look, take it out of my pay, all right?  And if i still owe you more, talk to my agent, he'll set it straight."

"There is no cause for you to be paid, Mercenary.  You failed to meet your goal and bring back proof."

I felt a bit of nausea.  "Now hang on—"

"Even," he interrupted, "if your story about the collapsed, burning keep checks out, the fact remains that you admitted that the primary objective caused his own demise.  We don't pay for suicides unless you incontrovertibly drove them to it.  That isn't the case, is it?"  He looked at me; i just stared back.  "Therefore, no pay.  It's all in the contract; you know that."  He laid his hands on the desk.  "I'll contact your agent to handle your financial obligation, and he will either pay it in currency or negotiate a new contract for a make-up mission.  You may leave now, and keep your gryphon, so you don't feel like you walked away with nothing."  And he gave me a wretched facsimile of a smile, trying to convince me he was doing me a favor.

"Oh, you're all fucking heart, Hopsfield, you miserable bastard."  I got up and stomped out.

e&tg 18

Hopsfield narrowed his eyes.  "Yesss.  All right.  Now, the objective.  What became of him?"

I exhaled and tried to compose myself.  "He's dead, i guess.  He collapsed his keep with some huge fiery explosion.  I barely got out."

"But you didn't actually kill him?  You didn't make a first-hand confirmation?"

I shook my head.  "I was too busy running from the expanding fireball.  I saw him engulfed in flames, but that's all."

He tsked.  "Unfortunate, very unfortunate."  He dipped his pen in his inkwell and wrote in his damnable ledger.  "Please list all recovered treasure, including all magical items, objets d'art, and any other valuables."

I plunked the jeweled goblet on his desk.  "One bejeweled goblet."  I found it in his kitchen.  For all i knew, the gems were fake, but i figured it was worth grabbing.  "That's it."

"You don't say."  He peered at me.  "You weren't able to go in later and recover more?"

"No.  The fire was still burning when i woke up the next day, and the keep was in ruins."

"Impressive..."  More paper-scratching.  "So you have nothing more that belonged to Teraad, correct?"

"Yup."

"Hmm."  He looked at the glowing stone.  "I do not believe you are being entirely honest with me."

"Huh?  Oh."  I thought again about how exactly he'd phrased the question.  "I have with me one of Teraad's gryphons.  But i didn't take him from the keep; he found me the next day and, well, it's a long story, but he's bonded to me now.  And i am bonded to him as well, i suppose."

"Well, as one of Teraad's belongings, the beast is definitely part of recovered treasure.  You have no claim to it."

"I do not claim him.  He chose to bind to me after i helped him with an injury.  And i have been charged by a master druid in the nearby forest with his care."  I crossed my arms.  "If you want to insist on taking him, you're welcome to try, but i can guarantee that he won't like it, and he'll be more trouble than he'll be worth to you.  And if you do, i'll be sure to let that master druid know what you did."

"Ah.  Hah."  He steepled his hands.  "Well."  He looked at the ledger.  "Well, you are on the hook for 3000 gold pieces' worth of treasure, or 25% of the haul, whichever is larger."  He picked up an eyeglass and examined the goblet.  "Hmmm.  This will make a dent in your obligation, but—"

"Look, take it out of my pay, all right?  And if i still owe you more, talk to my agent, he'll set it straight."

"There is no cause for you to be paid, Mercenary.  You failed to meet your goal and bring back proof."

I felt a bit of nausea.  "Now hang on—"

"Even," he interrupted, "if your story about the collapsed, burning keep checks out, the fact remains that you admitted that the primary objective caused his own demise.  We don't pay for suicides unless you incontrovertibly drove them to it.  That isn't the case, is it?"  He looked at me; i just stared back.  "Therefore, no pay.  It's all in the contract; you know that."  He laid his hands on the desk.  "I'll contact your agent to handle your financial obligation, and he will either pay it in currency or negotiate a new contract for a make-up mission.  You may leave now, and keep your gryphon, so you don't feel like you walked away with nothing."  And he gave me a wretched facsimile of a smile, trying to convince me he was doing me a favor.

"Oh, you're all fucking heart, Hopsfield, you miserable bastard."  I got up and stomped out.