Did Jesus's multiplications of loaves and fish defy the law of conservation of mass and energy? Or did he coalesce the stuff out of energy, Star Trek replicator-style?
He used a variation of the Banach-Tarski paradox, exploiting the sub-quantum continuum, but the translations and rotations required are so energetic that conservation isn't violated.
I think it must have violated conservation of energy, or some other physical law if not that one, because otherwise it would be spiritually meaningless from most of the points of view that take the story seriously. If we say he didn't break any laws of physics and just applied some technique we don't (or worse, do) understand, then that (a believer would argue...) cheapens the whole affair and admits the heresy that maybe someone other than Jesus could have done it too.
Note that I'm not one of the people who necessarily believes the story as usually told. But I think it's pretty clear that the story as usually told has the punchline "And he wasn't limited by conservation of energy like an ordinary person would be!"
So, what, it's not enough of a miracle that he summoned bread and fish out of the air — he has to break the laws of physics, too? You are one tough customer.
Given the lack of refrigeration at the time my assumption has always been that some rather smelly fish and mouldy bread got handed around the multitude, whereof the multitude said 'Uhhh no, thanks, I ate before I got here.'
The basket returned to the front with fish and bread still in it and everyone claimed that they were full.
"Whoa, dude, most people save the smelly fish for last, but you! Jesus! You bring the smelly fish at the beginning! Awesome!" ... "hey Judas, who invited this jesus guy anyway?"
The answer to all miracles can be found in gross misinterpretation of quantum physics!
What happened, of course, is that he split up the populace into parallel possible timelines, based on the random passing of the baskets, in which each individual happened to get some the fish and bread. One they'd finished, he collapsed them back to a single timeline.
No no, what REALLY happened is that he shared what he had with some people, and his disciples shared what they had with some people, and then everyone started sharing what they had with other people, and pretty soon it was total Woodstock. Y'no? The miracle, I suppose, is that people spontaneously shared - without being asked or threatened. Or covered in mud ... but that was a different festival.
... neither. He teleported fish and loaves of bread from somewhere else.
I thought everybody knew that. Somewhere some fish just popped out of some poor bastard's oven and likewise the bread disappeared from some bakery's shelf. Jesus was not above some Robin Hood steez.
Before we can address this question, we first must tackle the subject of loave/fish duality. When observed one way, Jesus provided food resembling a loaf. Other experiments reveal a more fish-like comestible. How can both be true at the same time? Isn't that... a paradox?
Ha ha, no, little one! The truth is that food, like energy, can be reduced down to very small quantized portions called bento boxes. At some times, the handrolls found within the bento boxes can resemble small loaves. At other times, they are definitely and provably found to contain fish. This may seem to be an impossibility, especially if you are a little bit dim, but it merely requires one to rethink our classical old notions of food, packaging, and whether it is wise to put wasabi in your nostrils.
So, back to the original question: how did Jesus multiply the loaves and fishes? [and did he remember to carry the one?] The answer is that he didn't so much multiply them; rather, he allowed the loave to propagate through space. Once its probability field had spread sufficiently wide, it could be interacted with and exhibited more localizable fish-like properties to each parishioner. A miracle? of course not -- it's science!
-- quoted from "Six, Eight, Ten or Economy-Bucket Twenty Easy Pieces"
I know the answer, but I'm not telling you until you tell me how the little boy's porridge in "Where the Wild Things Are" could possibly have been still hot.
The majority liberal rationalist Protestant view back in the 70s, when people still had sense, was that the power of Jesus' preaching guilt-tripped the tailgating Hellenist yuppies in the audience to open up their copious picnic lunches and share them with the crowd. Today, of course, I think it more likely that the whole story is part of the two-thirds or so of the Bible that was Just Made Up.
But in the spirit of scientific creationism, I insist that our children be taught that current particle physics allows for the spontaneous appearance of particles from vacuum. To the secular humanist mind this may seem a highly improbable, abstract, paradoxical event; however, to the soul informed by faith, the theory is clearly an attempt by nonbelieving scientists to explain away divine guidance and intervention.
<roneMACR> A shocker from the Drudge Report: <roneMACR> Mel Gibson's next film will feature abundant violence. <nyar> you know, for the lord <roneMACR> it's HOLY violence. <SmokeMax> praise the lord and pass the ammunion! <SmokeMax> ammunition even. <roneMACR> i like 'ammunion'. it's like a cross between ammunition and communion. <roneMACR> through the miracle of transubstantiation, this bullet becomes the flesh of our savior.
For extra credit, look into the lexical-mental-spiritual gymnastics performed by people who want to convince vegan Catholics that the Eucharist doesn't compromise their dietary choices.
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Note that I'm not one of the people who necessarily believes the story as usually told. But I think it's pretty clear that the story as usually told has the punchline "And he wasn't limited by conservation of energy like an ordinary person would be!"
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The basket returned to the front with fish and bread still in it and everyone claimed that they were full.
No physics issues at all!
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I'd insert a few OMGs or LOLs in your next few posts just to be on the safe side.
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...
"hey Judas, who invited this jesus guy anyway?"
The answer to all miracles can be found in gross misinterpretation of quantum physics!
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HT Sez ...
(Anonymous) 2005-07-27 02:41 am (UTC)(link)I thought everybody knew that. Somewhere some fish just popped out of some poor bastard's oven and likewise the bread disappeared from some bakery's shelf. Jesus was not above some Robin Hood steez.
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Ha ha, no, little one! The truth is that food, like energy, can be reduced down to very small quantized portions called bento boxes. At some times, the handrolls found within the bento boxes can resemble small loaves. At other times, they are definitely and provably found to contain fish. This may seem to be an impossibility, especially if you are a little bit dim, but it merely requires one to rethink our classical old notions of food, packaging, and whether it is wise to put wasabi in your nostrils.
So, back to the original question: how did Jesus multiply the loaves and fishes? [and did he remember to carry the one?] The answer is that he didn't so much multiply them; rather, he allowed the loave to propagate through space. Once its probability field had spread sufficiently wide, it could be interacted with and exhibited more localizable fish-like properties to each parishioner. A miracle? of course not -- it's science!
-- quoted from "Six, Eight, Ten or Economy-Bucket Twenty Easy Pieces"
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But in the spirit of scientific creationism, I insist that our children be taught that current particle physics allows for the spontaneous appearance of particles from vacuum. To the secular humanist mind this may seem a highly improbable, abstract, paradoxical event; however, to the soul informed by faith, the theory is clearly an attempt by nonbelieving scientists to explain away divine guidance and intervention.
Fish and Bread
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<roneMACR> Mel Gibson's next film will feature abundant violence.
<nyar> you know, for the lord
<roneMACR> it's HOLY violence.
<SmokeMax> praise the lord and pass the ammunion!
<SmokeMax> ammunition even.
<roneMACR> i like 'ammunion'. it's like a cross between ammunition and communion.
<roneMACR> through the miracle of transubstantiation, this bullet becomes the flesh of our savior.
For extra credit, look into the lexical-mental-spiritual gymnastics performed by people who want to convince vegan Catholics that the Eucharist doesn't compromise their dietary choices.